Below Zero, Bitch I’m Numb

“The power of the wolf brings forth instinct, intelligence, appetite for freedom, and awareness of the importance of social connections. This animal can also symbolize fear of being threatened and lack of trust.”

I feel drained, not like myself…

I feel like I’ve lost the ability to show emotion. Is that good or bad?

I think both… there’s a little bit of control there…

I need to be emotionless in certain situations. It’s chilly out here and I ain’t about to let a motherfucker play me.

So that shit comes in handy I guess…

Most times out of none I’m in my own world around others straight GONE. I think it’s the reality that I’ve realized that this is NOT my reality, more like a facade of the truth.

THIS SHIT IS THE MATRIX.

I feel… out of place, and frequently out of my element. With my new lenses I see how full of shit y’all REALLY ARE…

I’m ok with silence, I’m ok with being alone, I’m ok with LOVING MYSELF.

Yet,

My heart has a slight emptiness, something’s missing…

It’s not like before…

This time it’s different. I can’t put my finger on it…

I’m lost in trying to figure out what is it that I need. Something? Somebody?

JESUS?

I can’t be there for you because I need to have my own back. Too many times I got stabbed in it because I had yours before I had mines.

I got healing to do and this shit is a full time job.

Hmm…

That explains why I’m so sleepy. I’m working OVERTIME.

Overtime to keep myself in check. To make sure I’m on my P’s and Q’s. To make sure that I don’t nap to long, that I complete that workout I said I would do.

TOO KEEP A SMILE ON MY FACE AROUND PEOPLE I’D RATHER NOT BE AROUND.

Damn I’m drained. I’m emotionless in the aspect that most shit doesn’t tickle my fancy…Most things don’t bother me. Most things don’t even get to come close to my heart. I don’t feel shit. I’m numb and I think it’s your fault…

THAT PAIN STILL FUCKN LINGERS.

I’m emotionless because I don’t wanna feel pain again. I’m emotionless because I gotta move smarter. More strategic, more cautious.

I’m just MORE AWARE.

I’m emotionless yet fearful but still hopeful because I know who the fuck I am.

Every now and again, I need that reminder…

The reminder than I am one of a kind. Uniquely made. Powerful and STRONG, born with a purpose to change the world.

I am the chosen one.

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7 thoughts on “Below Zero, Bitch I’m Numb

  1. You get to the point where you’re tired of saying “it’s
    cool.” I used to think that made me the better person, but
    in my solitude that shit wasn’t cool. When I embarked on
    this self-love journey I thought I had to include other
    People’s feelings, not realizing I was being a “self-love hypocrite.” How can I love myself in the midst of letting
    the foul shit people did to me go with a “it’s cool.”?
    I had to check myself , look myself squarely in the eye
    and say “sis, queen the fuck up!” If it isn’t cool say that shit, if it hurts you say that shit, and by any means necessary
    do not harbor that shit. I’ve realized my solitude is
    Sacred not a place to rehearse what I shoulda coulda said,
    but a place of peace for me and my choice of tea UNBOTHERED! I love post so much thank you. ❤️

    Like

  2. There literally come points in my life where I have to actively decide to shut down in the name of self preservation. People don’t know how good I was to them until they see the other side of me—the ruthless, emotionless, compassionless side. I understand that we are all doing the best that we can but for some people, their best is not enough. It’s not okay that people try and strike up drama with me because their lives are otherwise dull and insignificant without it. It’s not okay that boyfriends work to steal my heart only to break it on purpose. It’s not okay that family members think it’s okay to verbally abuse me still just because that’s the way it’s always been… so if I’m cold, there’s a reason for it.

    Dom | http://www.DivaNamedDom.com

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sis I LOVE THIS COMMENT SO MUCH!!!!

      What I’m realizing is that people (most people) are extremely INCONSIDERATE to others feelings. People need to learn how to acknowledge and care about others feelings bc treating someone any old way can be SO DETRIMENTAL to that persons mental/ emotional etc and sometimes PERMANENTLY.

      Some people are just so ruthless it’s really shameful.
      “It’s not okay that boyfriends work to steal my heart only to break it on purpose. It’s not okay that family members think it’s okay to verbally abuse me still just because that’s the way it’s always been… so if I’m cold, there’s a reason for it.”
      GOLDEN!💫🙌🏽

      Liked by 1 person

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